I am not a hopeless romantic.
I was never in a relationship for the sake of being in one. I have never stayed in a relationship because I was afraid of being alone, and I never jumped from relationship to relationship with no down time in between.
I have been single more that I have been in a relationship.
As a girl it was my goal, I wanted to be an independent woman who could take care of herself and knew who she was when I grew up. When I grew up, my focus was on college, building my career, moving to Los Angles to further my career and building roots here. While I maintained my focus, I had a romantic relationships that led me to be even more grounded and realistic with love.
I know what I want and need and I am not willing to settle. As I get older the idea of settling is starting to tango with me, and I am starting to enjoy the dance, but it dies when I think of the woman who got married because she felt she should be married by now (Great Expectations – Revisited). If I settled I know I would not be happy.
Today marks three full weeks since I have been back in Los Angeles. I visited my hometown for a month, which I called “my month of writing.” It turned out to be longer than a month and anything but writing.
“You can’t always get what you want. […] But you get what you need,” as the Rolling Stone once sang.
My underling intention for being home became the reason I was called to come home all along.
Those seven weeks were so profound. I am still noting lessons that I learned as I reflect on that time. It was my goal to write the third part of my solo show (The Unimaginable), that month, which covers the three hardest moments of my life.
The third and hardest part of the show surrounds a relationship that went on longer than it should have and completely broke my heart. At one time I felt my heart would never be whole again. I kept picturing my heart like stained glass or a mosaic piece of art that felt like anything but art.
The process of getting my heart back to where it was before my ex, was a long road (Breaking Up(ward)). Yet, there was a grain of sand from that experience that popped up this year (Mindful Monday #10 – Letting Go), which brought me to re-examine that experience one more time. While reading the book Calling in ‘The One’, by Katherine Woodward Thomas, I was finally able to label that experience and fully forgive myself for anyway I felt I could have acted differently, but didn’t because I was young and naïve and I did the best I could (Mindful Monday #18 – Acceptance in Life). A week after that forgiveness, I met someone.
I was out with a girlfriend enjoying the evening when I met him. He stood out like sore thumb in this super dive bar filled with a sea of hipsters, he was wearing a polo shirt and is anything but a hipster. We started talking and the conversation flowed as though we had known each other all along. In fact, it felt like we knew each other though we had never met.
When we dated I was the most present that I have ever been with anyone I have known and for a moment it felt like I mastered the art of being present from moment to moment. I felt like I could tell him anything and we talked openly about our lives without hesitation or fear of being judged or being too vulnerable.
Everything that I have looked for in a man and everything that I ever wanted in a relationship was right in front of me.
He was mature and had a great sense of humor. We had great communication. We had similar interests. We had similar goals. But, we live in two different states and we are both transitioning into new phases of our lives. While I don’t believe in long distance relationships, I considered one with him. I enjoyed every moment I spent with him, but it was timing that ultimately ended it.
Now that I am back in LA, I am working through the loss of what felt like the one. My girlfriend, the yogi, stated maybe he was a lesson. God please don’t make him be a lesson, I thought, but deep down I knew he might be a lesson too.
Here is what I learned:
- The man of my dreams does exist, which I always believed, but I recently started to question.
- The romantic relationship I deserve is possible, which includes the communication and mutual respect I desire. I believed it, but believing and seeing are two different things.
- If you are living your life well, you are progressing forward and growing. In love, each person you date should lead you a step closer to the person and relationship that is right for you. I feel this man opened the door to the type of men and also opened the door to the type of relationship I want and deserve.
- Most importantly, I have successfully been able to keep my heart open, even though I was afraid that I might get hurt. This is the greatest testament to all this work I have done to heal my heart, live vulnerably and face my fears.
5. Finally, Be patient. The love that you want is closer than you think.