From the Ashes

Do you ever wish that you had a tag line?  For example: I’m Lovin’ It, is McDonald’s tag line. “Eat Fresh”, is Subway’s.  The corner of “Healthy and Happy” is Walgreens’.  Get the point?  A tag line is a quick and simple line used in advertising to sell a brand.  What if your tag line, sold what you wish people didn’t assume about you?  Like “I’m not a bitch”, “I am Playful too”, ” I am stronger than you think,” or “I fear too.”  Um, these are hard to come up with on the spot.  Whatever people assume about you, that you wish they didn’t, that thing you came up with, would be your tag line in this case.  My tag line would be “I’m not Super-Human” or “I am still Human”.

On a recent facebook post, one of my friends playfully (as indicated by an emoticon smiley face) posted the following comment:

“(…) in all fairness to the rest of us, I think at some point in the future, you should at least have a 2 week existential crisis. ;)”

Her post was in response to my post about the gratitude that I had for my year of facing fears. While I do feel she was being playful, it speaks to how I feel people often see me.

Last year, I realized that it was necessary for me to be vulnerable because that is my authentic self. Vulnerability is our most authentic self. In the process of being vulnerable this year, I have learned that it frees people.  Never before, have I seen so many people settle into themselves more, as a result of my vulnerability, in a way that appears as though they are holding their breath or  holding their true self back.  I have never crossed so many people who pick up the vulnerability ball, that I toss their way by being vulnerable myself, and reciprocate vulnerability back to me.

Since I know vulnerability is necessary, and I have always felt that people have viewed me as perfect or without struggle, based on comments I have heard over these years,  that why my tag line is “I’m not Super Human”.  It is for this specific reason that I tell people my struggles and tell people my fears so they know that no one is exempt from feeling and experiencing these things.

This year of facing fears has shown me just how much fear surrounds us based on the fears that have presented themselves to me.  I have written about this a lot, but I am in turbulent, deep waters and I am trying not to drown.  My bones feel frail, and my muscles weak as I crawl along this leg of the year.  What has kept me going is the knowledge that this all isn’t for nothing.  I am choosing transparency, because it is authenticity.  I know there are people who feel alone in their waters and their experiences at this time.

The image of the Phoenix, from Greet Mythology comes to mind during this time.  I am the Phoenix at the end of its life-cycle, which may end in a few weeks, months or years.  Whenever the end of this life cycle or phase occurs, I know a new Phoenix will rise.

Because I like to relate my experiences or feelings to music, here is a song by Coldplay called “Lost” that speaks to this time and place in my life.  Lyrics are below.

“Lost!” by Coldplay

Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I would cross
Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get
What I deserved
No better and no worse
I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Ohhh and I’m…
Just waiting ’til the shine wears off
You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn’t mean you’ve won
‘Cause along may come
A bigger oneAnd you’ll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ohhh and I’m…
Just waiting until the firing stopped
Ohhh and I’m…
Just waiting ’til the shine wears off[piano solo]Ohhh and I…
Just waiting ’til the shine wears off
Ohhh and I..
Just waiting ’til the shine wears off