I wrote this piece to be posted last Friday, but my vulnerability radar went through the roof. I decided to wait a week, to think about this piece before I post it and still the radar is high. It’s not the honesty that I fear, but the realizations that will come as the result of what I describe in the post. Here it goes…
I have noticed that I’ve been thinking about my relationships a lot lately. Since I moved to Los Angeles, each Christmas I have always reached out to my friends when I am home so that we can meet up and catch up on our years. This Christmas everything was different. My mother was very, very sick and for the entire time I was home the doctors didn’t know what she had. The doctors told my mom that she had to stay home until the new year. I choose to stay home. (My mother has thankfully recovered from her illness, she had a bad case of phenomena.)
I saw two friends over the holidays and spoke with a third. I didn’t reach out to several friends this year, and I felt the distance. Christmas put into perspective, that perhaps my friends and I have grown apart in several ways beyond the places where we are in our lives. In thinking about the type of romantic relationship I want for my future, I started to think of all my relationships in general. Why do we hold different standards for potential romantic relationship than friendships? Sometimes we are more willing to put up with more from one versus the other. I have ended potential relationships with guys that I’ve dated when I couldn’t see the relationships going anywhere. And in the past, I have let go of friends that are toxic, negative, drama or weigh me down.
I want all my standards for relationships to be the same across the board.
I have more often then not, been the main maintainer of relationships. In college, I remember learning about relationships and how people tend to stay in any relationships if it is perceived that the relationship is equal and if the benefits of the relationship outweigh the costs. Since then, I do my best to be mindful and make sure that my relationships are balanced with equal reciprocation.
Christmas put into perspective that some of my relationships may not be as balanced as I perceived them to be. I am not letting go of friends, but I have chosen to let the dust settle on my friendships or acknowledge that dust may have settled on some already. I want to see where everything lays. While there is a lot of fear in this decision, it is for the best. Like learning to loosen my grip on life, I am using that wisdom to loosen my grip on my friendships and trust what comes. I already know this post calls for a follow up post when I learn, see, understand, realize what I am meant to realize.
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