Heartbroken

Last Valentines day I wrote “How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day – Single Edition.”  It was my intention to follow up that post, with a “couples edition” post this year.  However, I am not dating anyone and I am nowhere near a romantic relationship, so that idea is tabled.  Like last weeks post, this weeks post is clawing to be heard.  I dread both writing and posting this piece and I wince each time I think about this post.  Staying true to “vulnerability” and “facing fear”, I push forward. Here it goes.

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“My heart is hurting.” I texted four of my girlfriends this week. “I don’t know what’s causing it? I am the happiest I have ever been.”

Everything that I wanted has fallen into place so why is my heart hurting? It’s not heart burn, or a heart attack. It’s a sharp pain. A deep pain. A pain that is screaming to be felt and heard. I know this pain.

I continue, “I think my heart is breaking?”

By coincidence, I read an article from the Spirit Science titled How to Remove an Attachment to Past Relationships. The article outlines a heart cord cutting meditation. Puzzled at the cause of this pain, I decided to see if the meditation would help. I asked the universe to bring up anyone that might possibly have any piece of my heart. The first guy to pop into my head is the soul mate (Lessons from a Soulmate – My Month of Writing – Reflection). Two, three and finally a fourth man comes to mind.  The article said to imagine your heart linked to their heart by a string. After doing that, it says to imagine cutting the cord that links their heart to yours and send that person love and light. The first two imaginary cords that I cut, with an actual scissor cutting (space object) motion were easy. The third one was fairly simple too.

The soulmate is the final cord for me to cut, which I chose to cut last because I knew it would be a challenge. I met him, the soulmate, this summer and timing and proximity ended us. I saw it coming, even before we ended. I just waited for him to see it too. Once we went our separate ways I knew I would never see him again and that we would never be. I cried every single day in July and as the month ended I had fully moved on. In December, out of the blue I started to miss him and wondered how he was doing. While I recalled the series of events from when I met him, to a friend, out of the blue I stated to cry deeply.

My best friend, brother Teddy, asked “Are you going to reach out to him when you are home?”

“No.” I responded.

When I was home for Christmas, I got curious and checked his facebook page. On his facebook page, was a picture of him and a woman, who resembles me. He has dated her since August. As quickly as I stared to cry, was as quickly as I stopped. I knew I needed to see that image to let go of hope. Hope is great, it can push you thorough tough times. But, sometimes hope can wear out it’s welcome and string you along. Seeing that image helped me stop hope in it’s tracks. My Mindful Monday #46 – Pain is the post I wrote in response to getting this new piece of information.

As I laid on the floor of my bedroom, with my soulmate in mind. I thought about when I met him and what I learned in December. I cried while I start to cut the invisible cord. Memories flood back and my hand resists. As I fight myself to do what I need to do to fully let go, my soul sister pops in my head. I heard her voice clearly, as though she was in the room.

“Rip the band aid.”  She says.

When you are a kid and had a cut that was covered by a a band aid, it always felt better when it was ripped off in one quick swipe, versus a small piece at a time. “Rip the band aid,” has become our saying to move on from a difficult situation that is hurting us, even though it hurts to do it. After I heard her voice and clearly saw her face in my mind, I cut the cord.

After my meditation my friends responses come in:

“Your heart is breaking open, so you can feel all the happiness that you are experiencing.”  Soul sister replied.

“I’m very happy too and my heart hurt’s too.” Spiritual sister stated.

“Your heart is breaking. It is possible with all the letting go that you have done last year, that you are fully moving on and with that is loss and heart-break.”

I think all my girlfriends are right – my heart IS breaking – and for the reasons they suggested. Choosing to feel your emotions allows them to pass quickly, but also makes you in tune with yourself when something isn’t right or isn’t working.  (Life in Seven Breaths) Letting go is never easy. Facing fear lead me here. I know harder times are ahead. It already appears that one theme for this year is “matters of the heart”.

The song that is speaking to me at this time is Elastic Heart by Sia.

Elastic Heart
By Sia
And another one bites the dust
Oh why can I not conquer love?
And I might have thought that we were one
Wanted to fight this war without weapons And I wanted it, I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah, let’s be clear, I’ll trust no one You did not break me
I’m still fighting for peace Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade—it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heartI’ve got an elastic heart
Yeah, I’ve got an elastic heartAnd I will stay up through the night
Let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes
And I know that I can survive
I’ll walk through fire to save my lifeAnd I want it, I want my life so bad
I’m doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It’s hard to lose a chosen oneYou did not break me
(you did not break me, no)
I’m still fighting for peace[3x]
Well, I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart,
But your blade—it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard,
I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
‘Cause I’ve got an elastic heart

I’ve got an elastic heart

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7 thoughts on “Heartbroken

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