White Blank Page

I’ve been feeling antsy lately like there is something more I could be doing, but I don’t know what that is? I haven’t figured out what prompted this feeling and where it is guiding me. January was All Things New: new job, new apartment, new friends, new community involvement and a new leadership role. February was definitely a sucker punch from every angle regarding me in relation to love. As hard as February was at the time, it beautifully closed chapters or doors in my life and made space for new energy and new people. (Mindful Monday #55 – Self Love) This antsy feeling is a familiar one and it pushed me to reflect on where I was last year at this time.

March has a few significant anniversaries for me. It was in March when I was betrayed in college (Un-Masked) several years ago, which I can now say was a very, very early stage of the start of a new path that lead me right where I am. In January, I got a new passport, which replaced my old passport which I got around the time of the betrayal. I was so hurt back then that I felt the need to escape to another country to heal. Every time I looked at that passport image I was reminded of that time. How much I cried. How deeply I hurt. And how broken I felt. Letting go of that passport was surprisingly hard, because of what it represented to me for so long. It was also a metaphor for me to let go of that passport because, that young woman has informed me as a woman, but I am no longer that young woman. The new passport is the symbol of all that I have let go of and the new woman that I am. Last year at this time I was also antsy and playing around with my idea and then decided to take My Leap of Faith which lead to my Month of Writing. Now I find that I’m in the same place, but it’s all different. Everything is different.

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Even though I don’t quite know how to label this month, I am writing on a new blank page. A page that is currently being filled with several realizations and my acknowledgement that I am becoming more intuitive and more present. Two weekends ago I got into an argument with a friend. I don’t like to argue, but this argument was years in the making and it needed to happen because I was tired of being disrespected and not being defended by the group of people that I once identified as friends, but are now acquaintances. (I have decided to let the dust fully settle with that group.) (Let the Dust Settle) In the moment of the argument, I was very aware of everything, my breath, what I said, the intentions behind it, how I felt and how he and the group responded – it was so amazing. That moment was the first time that I noticed my improv mind take over and I said exactly what needed to be said, no more, no less and it was said with love. (Improv mind is a phrase we use in improv which is where we think instinctively without using the filter that society requires us to us on a daily basis. When you become skilled at thinking that quickly you can respond in the moment on a daily basis and use the social filter when the moment calls for it.) This woman who found her voice a year and a half ago, finally stood up to the right person, for the right reason and said the right thing. I am no longer silent!!!  (Mindful Monday #31 – Voice)

This past week I anticipated receiving bad news based on the direction of where things are going in relation to the bad news. I intuitively went out to lunch and ran into the person who delivered the news that I anticipated. In the moment of receiving the news, I was calm, not covering/ self preservation calm, but honestly calm. In the moment I thought I’m going to be fine. After letting go of everything last year and surrendering this past fall, I can handle anything. (Mindful Monday #43 – Surrender) (How to Get a Grip on Your Life) This week, I stepped into a solo show class which is the initial fear that lead me to start this blog over a year ago. The time has come for me to get back to writing the show about the three hardest moments of my life (The Unimaginable).

Recently, I have been questioning this self-realization path because while the road will get harder, it’s the fact that it is getting thinner that scares me. While I have a way to go, I don’t want to walk this path alone. It is difficult to talk to people about my growth, realizations and experiences, because for many it is an intellectual concept and nothing deeper. People tell me how brave I am, how inspiring I am and I don’t state my growth for recognition.  I tell people what I am working on because I am a work in progress and I fear that people will forget to see me as me… a human who wants to be loved, fears like everyone else, doubts like everyone else and is just like everyone else (From the Ashes).  While I acknowledge that I have been an outsider all my life, it is not a comfortable place to be because out here you are the most vulnerable. In this fear, I found a group of spiritual woman who come together each week to talk about where our lives are at that week. With them, I realized that everything that I have done hasn’t been in vain. Yes I have learned from this path, but now I am starting to see how I can use my path to help others down their own path. One of my girlfriends said that I am “a light.” (Find Your Light) And perhaps that is what I am or what March is for me anyway, the light to see all the work that I have done come together to illuminate the next step and my current blank page.

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