“I write for those […] who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they are so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We’ve been taught that silence would save us, but it won’t.” – Audre Lorde
This week has been fully balanced between the amazing and the difficult. My dialogue with silence about silence is getting hard. It’s hard to see things as they are, it’s even harder to accept them. I now understand why people lie to themselves. It’s hard to see the generations of people that have lived in silence for fear of being seen or heard. As a woman, it’s hard to think of the generations of women who have come before me. Women who have lived in silence because on several occasions they weren’t given the power to use their voice in the first place. As a person of color, it’s hard to see the generations of people of color who had so much to say, and were never heard and were never given a chance to sit at the table and speak.
The dialogue I opened up recently regarding my journey is more specific. While I have come to accept the specific, it’s hard to publicize it (Mindful Monday #63 – Reflecting on the Past). I come from a very loving, nurturing family. I have lived a good life filled with amazing experiences. Somewhere along the road between being made fun of in school and struggling to learn how to read as a girl, I felt less then and have always had a bit of doubt in my ability. That place is where I have been operating from until I found my voice. All the ways I silenced and hid myself really hurt me. I have always known my worth and value, but I never fully asserted it or spoke up when I was disregarded, taken advantage of or when I was wronged. (Out with the Mold) Relationships I’ve had, could have been better, would have ended sooner or not even occurred had I asserted my worth and value.
The past two weeks the universe pushed me further to see how far I have come since I found my voice. I was put into situations where I could have hidden myself and my wants to fit into the situation or avoid conflict, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even try. Hiding myself now feels like a huge uncomfortable weight is place on me. And trying to hold my tongue, turns into a battle between myself and my voice. My voice ultimately wins. I’m speaking up everywhere I go and my words have so much more weight behind them, then they ever had before. Asserting my worth and knowing what I need has attracted a core group of female and male friends into my life. I am fully and completely surrounded by people who seek growth and are in the same place of their growth as me. It’s hard to communicate how special everything has been in my life recently. It all stems from sticking to my wants and needs and not apologizing for them. I have discovered a strength in myself that is deeper then any strength I have ever had in my life. Know your value and worth and assert them always. Be willing to let go of anyone or anything that keeps you from standing in your greatness or light. (Find Your Light)