I am smiling the largest smile as I write this post. Even though my struggle saga continues and life isn’t letting up, I still have so much to be thankful for and so much to smile about. Why am I smiling? I’m smiling because I am growing and my perspective is changing. I’m smiling because I am starting to understand this struggle. My friends know that I am having the hardest time that I have ever allowed anyone (outside of my family and best friends) to see. Even if this struggle was hidden, it is a very hard one. Perhaps the hardest?
My friends and family have been checking in on me often. I knew a moment in my life when I felt very alone and isolated when I was betrayed, but I to some extent have always felt the need to protect myself by the people who surrounded me. During this time I have received so many words of encouragement and love that have warmed my heart. I am often always the person maintaining relationships, checking in and following up with friends, but I let the dust settle on those friendships this year. Now, I can clearly see that I am surrounded by authentic friends that I have been searching for for a long time. I may not have discovered this truth, if it wasn’t for the deep struggle that I am experiencing. I am so thankful for the love that surrounds me.
As a result of my goal to be vulnerable always, a lot of friends have opened up to me about their own struggles. We have becoming our own support group to help each other through our highs and lows. From a friend who tells me that he gets my struggle because he is exactly in the same place, to a friend who tells me that she is angry at life for where she finds herself, we share our the same struggle. We share our struggle not just because it is struggle, but because we have shared it with each other and see how our struggles parallel one another. Struggle is very isolating, and even though there are times I have felt alone, I am thankful to be in community with my struggle to know that I am not alone.
“I figured out the riddle,” I texted a friend. He and I had a discussion a few weeks ago regarding surrender. We both stated that we had surrendered at to the universe and felt that nothing changed as a result of it. We both thought, wasn’t surrender enough? And today it hit me. In the fall I learned that I needed to surrender to universe, so that it could take the reigns and guide me towards my larger vision. My current struggle is an extension of that struggle. While my struggle is an extension, it is not the same struggle. Surrender was enough then, but it’s not enough now. The thing is is that while I did surrender in the fall, I only surrendered in that moment to that circumstance. The universe calls you to surrender on a day to day basis to allow it to flow freely within your life moment to moment. It is now my mission to meet someone who has lived this fearlessly so that I can learn from them. I am thankful for understanding the struggle that I have been trying to wrap my head around for some time.
What my current struggle has helped me see is all the tools that I have developed within to help me for the next set of struggles that I have yet to know.
There is beauty in the struggle.