“All roads lead to this…” I have told myself repeatedly these past few weeks.
It all started with a harmless post on the gifts that come from breakups. What I initially wanted to say, evolved into something different and guided me to a deeper reflection. The day Breakeven pt I posted, all I could think about was the catalyst that made me choose to lead a balanced life filled with all the components that matter to me.
“I’m still here,” thought to myself. I began to feel uneasy. The writing I saw on the wall for sometime and felt in my heart was spoken to me later that evening.
“If you want to be creative, you have to leave this department,” one of my supervisors told me.
My heart dropped. She only knew me for a week at that point. All she knew was that I study improv, write and take art classes. Her words weighed on me. “Why am I still here?” (I’m doing the same thing I was doing three years ago.)
When I took my “leap of faith” in March 2014, I did not know what I signed up for, but I was excited for the adventure. That May life led me to my month of writing, which was disguised as a month of healing. When I arrived back to LA I felt like a foreigner. Everything was the same, but I had changed.
I was ready, to start a transition towards a creative life, but my plan started to unravel. On my birthday last September, my mentor told me, “This (personal) year (2015) is going to be just as hard for you as it was last year.” I was already in a hard place at the time and I soon found myself in a three month storm. I thought I was meant to weigh out the storm, but realized I needed to surrender so I could be led where I needed to go. (Above the Waves.)
Next, I was confronted to let go of relationships that had gone stale or where dying. Then my heart broke and my aunt died unexpectedly. When May rolled around I found myself in a month of darkness, which worried me and many of my friends. Those are just some of the hardest of hard moments I had this year.
“If you want to be creative, you have to leave this department,” that statement kept playing over and over in my mind. That same weekend, my yoga instructor said “go towards your edge.” Life was leading me to the next truth.
In Numerology, my current personal year is a nine. A nine year calls for you to complete any unfinished business from the past nine year. Life was pushing me to clear any clutter from my life for my new year which starts on my birthday.
Yes, I am “still here,” doing the daily grind, but every aspect of my life has changed. I have a flood of new friends who’s lives and goals align with mine. I nurture my spirituality and creativity. I have healed myself, vulnerability comes naturally to me, I speak up for myself, I understand the importance of letting go, I am releasing negative thought patterns, I am volunteering again, I am truly living and I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. My writing showed me the way because I needed to see just how far I have come. I have moved forward, but what I have gained, can not and is not measured by societies standards of “success.”
In improv, my instructor told the class, that when you take a leap of faith in a scene, the ground may sometime shift underneath you.
My struggles this year were the result of a continually shifting ground. Each time I thought I found my footing, something in my life would shift and knock me down. All the struggles lead me to question and sometimes loose the faith.
You can’t take a leap of faith and loose faith at the same time, you have to trust it.
My voice instructor once told me, “when you compromise your life, your life become a series of compromises”. In that vein, I feel when you take a leap of faith, your life becomes a series of leaps of faith. This past year created a platform for me to take another leap of faith. These past few weeks, I built the courage to say I am ready to take a new leap of faith. This time I have no parameters on what I am leaping towards, but I know that there will be sign posts along the way.