I hit the ground running and I already faced a gigantic fear, since my birthday. It lead me to face two more fears, one per week, which are connected and build on each other. These fears stem from a larger fear that popped up this summer. This particular fear was delicate with me, it didn’t push me or pull me, it just sat patiently in my peripheral view. If I personified the fear and gave it a voice it would say “I know you feel my presence.” Each time I checked my peripheral view, there the fear was patiently waiting for me. If it had a voice it would say, “I’m not going to leave.” Deep down I knew that the next logical step for my personal evolution, would be to tackle this fear.
This fear is deep rooted and we have a long history. Once upon a time, I would put myself out there for love in high school and college, but rejection and having my heart mishandled, by the wrong men, caused me to close my heart off to romantic love. Part of my belief that we are here to connect comes from experience. For the longest time, I did my best to build a life totally reliant on myself because I thought I was meant to be alone forever. I did what I could to accept that truth, but even when I tried to convince myself of it, I didn’t want to be right. In that process, I realized how much we are meant to live in community and how much I wanted to share my life with someone. For the past three years, I thought I was ready for love only, but learned that I had to grow, learn and heal to be fully ready. From letting go and forgiving myself for my part in past relationships last year; to coming full circle this past September, I know I am ready for the love I deserve.
My fear, stepped into the spotlight, after I realized that I am right where I need to be for love to bloom. In fact, three days after my birthday the first of the three fears hit. While a friend and I caught up, he started opening up to me about relationships and dating, which he does often, though I never reciprocate. For the first time in years, without hesitation, I directly communicated where I am at and what I want, in a way that was so self assured. Next, I asked the same guy out, which I haven’t done since college. And finally, when a guy flaked on me, I called him out, by asserting my standards for how I want to be treated as a person. This may not seem very bold, but it is for me, because I used to accommodate others by suffering in my silence. No matter how much I try, I can not accommodate others in this way anymore.
Committing to my new leap of faith, has eliminated second guessing of my actions. I am in the flow of life and I feel like my dialogue with life has shifted. Sometimes we feel that life is a foe, but that’s because we put too much thought into things. Since last year, when I meet men I am interested in, shortly after I get to know them, the truth of the man is revealed to me in words or actions. Since I am determined to achieve my life vision of a balance creative life, I am starting to see that life constantly shifts, based on where you are and what you need. Once I opened the can of worms on this particular fear, the fear gently guides me, almost like a mentor, towards the next illusion i.e. fear. Perhaps fear is being kind to me, because it is loosing it’s power over me? Or fear has grown week because I have grown strong?