I cried last night.
I am feeling better, but I can’t seem to get enough rest. I’m still really physically tired AND also mentally exhausted. I have never been sick like this in my life and it’s unnerving. As I laid in bed, I reviewed the past four years to see if there were signs that I missed. As I ran through the main turning points and conversations, I started to gain a deep understanding that I would not have seen had I not reflected on my life in this way.
“My time in this industry is coming to and end,” I told my very close friends and family when they asked me how my new job was doing. This past movie that I worked on was everything I wanted and needed it to be for me in so many ways. I got a promotion and for the first time I was able to fully see how much I have grown in my industry, the knowledge I gained. I saw the practice of all the voice and improv work combine beautifully with my goal to remain open and vulnerable in a way that helped me flourish. I also spoke up more and advocated for myself more too.
I visited set one day and watched a currently popular musician singing between takes, which I never imagined I would experience. While crew was setting up for the next shot, the feeling that I am living my dream came over me. I had that feeling every day, the first two years in Los Angeles. In that moment, I reflected on an earlier time when being on set for every movie I worked on was filled with an enthusiasm that I didn’t have in that present moment. Then I thought “I don’t want this anymore.” It was both a poetic and sad moment because the dream I once wanted was fading. There have been three more times in the past three years, where I had that thought or verbalized that thought with tears rolling down my face.
When I met up with my friend this week, I told him “this industry is going to be the death of me.” I wasn’t being dramatic, I was being honest because I have never been so drained of all my energy like I have been for the past 13 days.
I have been talking to the universe about giving me a sign for my next career step this entire year. Two months ago, I committed to taking another leap of faith for my personal year. The next step became very clear: you can stay on this grind (that is affecting your health) or you can take the leap, (the road less traveled that you have to blaze on your own). I have been at this crossroad before, just last year, it was my first leap of faith towards my vision to be a writer and speaker. My next step is a choice and within that choice is the clear answer of what I need to do next. What would you do?