“What are your goals for the year?” My friend asked.
Silence. I was speechless and said nothing.
For as long as I can remember, I have always known what my goals are for the coming year; but this December 2015 was different. I had just healed from being very, very sick for a month and as a result, I was steps behind my year end traditions (related to reflection and goal setting).
I sat for a moment to see what came to mind. Surely, I thought about my goals at some point. My mind was still blank. All I could think about was what I didn’t want to talk about. A swell of emotion came over me, my first instinct was to hold it back, but I didn’t want to lose the honestly of the moment. I cried a deep cry. I was shocked at the flood of emotion that had come over me. My friend sat in my presence, as a good friend does, and allowed me to cry.
“I want a relationship. That’s all I want.” I said.
My friend tried to make sense of my emotions. He has never seen me cry and every time he has seen me I have been in a very uplifting mood. “You were fine last month when I last saw you. What happened?” He asked.
“I have felt this way for awhile,” I paused. “But, I don’t talk about it.”
I have learned over the years that talking about anything slightly uncomfortable, most people can’t handle and often times they try avoid it at all cost. On the few occasions that I have talked about this to two of my girlfriends, they haven’t been as gentle or understanding as I have been with others. When you talk about loneliness people are forced to think about their past or present loneliness or the loneliness they are avoiding. (We were never raised to really communicate or express our emotions and that’s why I felt a deep desire to write about this now.)
Last year, out of the blue my heart start hurting. It wasn’t a heart attack or heart burn, but heart ache. The pain both shocked me and scared me. I did a heart meditation that worked, but when Fall rolled around my heart hurt again. I told one of my girlfriends about it and she was a little harsh and it deeply hurt me.
“I am tired of being everything to everyone.”I told him, “I am ready to share my life with someone. I want someone to wake up to and go home to.”
Our discussion continued more as my friend tried to help me re-frame my sadness or loneliness. “Love is a drug.” He told me.
Silent, I held back my next truth… I’ve never been in love. I have only had deep caring for a few men. I want to experience being in love.
Since I have been on location, my heart ached for a third time. This time it really concerned and confused me. I am the happiest I have ever been and my happiness grows daily. I see how my life is really coming together, there is so much beauty everywhere.
All my awareness practice has put me in tune with my body and my emotions. My heart is speaking to me and I can’t help but listen.
My heart tells me, “Yes you are happy, but you want and deserve love. Don’t forget that as you continue to build your life.”
My heart has given me the courage to take the real leap towards the love that I deserve. For the first time, I am very excited to date in a way that I have never experienced. I have made efforts into creating a space for love these past few years, when I realized that life is not all about work.
I have since found love. It’s the love that I have for myself and the love that surrounds me and has always surrounded me but I didn’t always have eyes to fully see it. This same love is both inside you and surrounds you too.
This Valentines Day don’t think about the love that was never happened, lost or ended. Think of the greatest love you have yet to know and know that
“the battle with the heart isn’t easily won, but it can be won.”
With Love – Stephanie xo