Tune Tuesday #30 – Heart of Gold

My heart is hurting. I do not want to write about today’s topic. Deep sigh.

This is where my heart is … hurting. I have to follow it, honor it and let it speak.

I ran into an ex this weekend. I met him a year ago. I remember when we first met. As I scanned the room looking for my friend, I saw him in the crowd and thought nothing of it. He isn’t the type of guy that I am typically attracted to. My friend and I connected in the kitchen and as we caught up, he entered the room. He interjected in the conversation I had with my friend, then apologized for interrupting. The whole night he followed me around the party, stealing any moment that he could to speak to me. Every few steps I took, he was an arms length away. Finally, we sat at the dinner table and connected. It was through our conversation that opened up the possibility of us.

Our first date was wonderful. He was such a gentleman and planned everything. The conversation was a breeze and we laughed together. We both realized and admitted that we liked each other more then we thought we would. That night, he told that he felt bad because he was going to be traveling for a few months for work. He and I spent a few weeks getting to know each other before he left, then he decided to end the progression of the relationship because he was focused on work and didn’t want to let work get between us or loose me in the process.

We’ve kept in touch since. The last time I saw him it seemed like he was changing into someone he didn’t want to become. Our energies no longer matched. Each time we caught up, I grounded him. He even told me that he liked that I stayed true to who I am since he has know me.

We ran into each other  this weekend at the same party that we met at a year ago. It was wonderful to see him. We naturally lit up when we saw each other and even as we caught up. He walked me to my car and we talked for a bit. He tried to kiss me before I left and I pulled back. He commented on my action and I told him that his kiss would be a mixed signal. His life and mindset isn’t in the place where it needs to be for a relationship and I saw it clearly. Rather than hold on to hope and limit my possibility for love by waiting for him, I let him go.

That moment was the last goodbye. My last words to him was a blessing. His final words to me were poetic and telling of the feelings he has for me, wrapped in reality that it won’t be.

That moment was beautiful because I walked away. I trusted myself and trusted the universe that he is not the one for me. I know he won’t fight for me. I believe the love that I deserve will be grounded, present and ready to love me with his full heart.

The universe is making room in my life and heart for the man that is perfect for me and I am on the edge of my set to meet him. The more I honor myself and what I deserve the more the universe responds with grace and love. In the meantime, I continue to pray for that Heart of Gold.

“Heart Of Gold” – by Neil Young

I want to live,
I want to give
I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold.
It’s these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching for a heart of gold.And I’m getting old.
Keep me searching for a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.I’ve been to Hollywood
I’ve been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold.
I’ve been in my mind,
It’s such a fine line
That keeps me searching for a heart of gold.

And I’m getting old.
Keeps me searching for a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.

Keep me searching for a heart of gold.
You keep me searching and I’m growing old.
Keep me searching for a heart of gold
I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold.

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