Mindful Monday #146 – Honesty

I don’t feel like I am in spaces where I can speak freely both at work and in aspects of my personal life.

I’ve been treading lightly a lot lately.

I’ve been walking a tight rope between my heart, voice and authenticity and the people in my day to day who are outside my friendship circle.

I witness myself being more mindful of both the public and private conversations I have with acquaintances and strangers.

On my personal social media, I feel a need to speak fully and freely more often, but I think through what I want to say so I can invite people to the conversations that are needed.

My blog is my safe space. It’s where I speak the truths that come to me in meditation, in classes and books I read and truths that are spoken to me and through me.

People who knew me, before I found my voice, don’t really know me. In my mind, many of them remember me as the quiet, shy girl that everyone liked because of my kindness and genuineness. Rarely did people take the time to get to know me.

In fact, I tell few friends I blog, but do not tell them the name or web address.

I have kept my authentic self away from my private social life and social media, which consists of friends from high school, college, work and adulthood, organizations and community service.

Now that I am whole, I have to re-introduce myself to those who knew me long ago and those who know me in various communities.

I approached this year to fuse my authentic self, with my larger community.

I am not afraid to speak and speak freely. I am just afraid to be misunderstood, but that does not keep me from speaking. I choose my voice over my historic silence. I lay down truths like they are going out of style, because I can not, and will not be silent in the current conversations of our society.

I am willing to engage in constructive arguments and to counter narratives and habitual, default thinking. I surprise myself with my words and courage. I am far from the girl that I was fourteen years ago, or even four years ago.

The necessity to be heard and included in conversations has ripped the band aid off my desire to slowly re-acclimate people to me. I do not care how people see me, because many people never fully saw me or took the time to see me. I don’t care if my words sting, because many wanted to be heard over hearing me. I don’t care if I loose “friends”, because the people that remain in my life are my true friends.

The more I honor myself, the more my happiness expands. Stress feels different from this place too. It doesn’t hang around as often, because I am honest with myself when I feel it and I can identify what causes it. I know how to take care and heal myself. I continue to speak with love, even in arguments, but I trust myself more in speaking clearly in times of heightened emotions and controversial subjects. I am not afraid. I care to protect others, but seek to create space for their growth. This is the line I walk with my current series on marriage.

Today, consider how honesty can change your life.

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Love – Stephanie XO