I haven’t been my best self lately.

This year has been the perfect balance between yin and yang, dark and bright, heavy and light and good and bad. In other words, this year has been neutral.

I have been neutral.

The light, bright and good has been my evenings and weekends filled with rest, family, community, classes and exploration.

The dark (challenging), heavy (stressful) or bad (irritating) has been work.

This year I have had a series of upsets and disappointments which are all around work. I have only touched on this disappointment in previous posts and I only shared theses upsets and disappointments to a few friends.

The more I move up in my career, the more I see just how capable I am. The underlining fear that I always had, with each new position I held is gone. I don’t know when fear faded? I just felt the change this year. I know fully what I am doing. I no longer doubt or question my work or my thought processes in relation to work because of all my industry related experience. It took a promotion (which I resisted for a year) for me to own my knowledge and experience.

Each new level of growth provides perspective. From this angle, I am starting to see to a large extent how much good leadership and management is lacking in the work (and civic) environment.

Weak leadership, poor management, poor communication and over working staff leads to a lot of frustration and unnecessary stress. I am currently in an environment that is really challenging and pushing me in ways almost like a pest.

I was called out for not being warm with a co-worker and I owned it. When asked what’s wrong, rather than retreat in silence, I addressed my frustrations with the work dynamic and overload of work I have as a result of a small staff. That may not be a big deal to some of you, but my story has been of silence and accommodation. I had no hesitation to deny that I was being short with this person or even hesitate to speak the truth to my frustration.

Honesty has always been my way, but it’s louder and bolder these days.

A supervisor who is discontent, negative, slightly bully-ish and moody talks down to me often. I already kindly pointed out this habit to him and asked him to be mindful of how he talks to me. He continues to do it, because it’s how he carries himself in the world.

The environment already has me against the ropes. I have been as neutral as I can. He talked down to me again in an argumentative tone, during a very busy morning this week, so I match his tone and argued back without hesitation. He was out of line and never apologized for getting angry out of no where. I didn’t apologize either. Then he projected onto me his frustrations later in the day and I matched his tone again.

Being short with one person and arguing with another is not “like” me. Or is it?

As I reach new levels of growth, and push through my inner boundaries, I find myself judging myself for the emerging parts of myself.

I have been keeping a distance, to some extent, from my friends out of their own protection because I am not used to this new me. These new characteristics, are foreign to me and don’t feel natural.

Speaking up and speaking clearly under conflict are two areas I have wanted to develop in myself. Life is just doing it’s part to get me there, regardless of how uncomfortable or jarring this new emerging self can be.

As I explore my shadow and my depth, I discover more and more each day, a boldness and directness that I once dreamed of for myself.