I’ve been crying a lot lately.
There are many moments where I stop to catch my breath. I have moments of disbelief at the obstacles I have faced and have overcome. I can clearly remember what it felt like to be so lost and feel so alone at times. Oh, the fears I have released to get here.
Somewhere deep down, I never thought I would actually get here. Somewhere even deeper inside me, I knew that I could. I can say this because of how I feel now that I am here.
The secret I have been keeping, for almost five months, is ready to be spoken.
This past week I went home early from work on both Wednesday and Thursday. I never leave work early, without a warning. I have not been feeling well since Tuesday. I could tell I was getting sick and needed more rest, but I was the early shift this past week and my call time was 6 am.
The thing about my industry is that our schedule is dictated by the shooting day. If there is a 4 am call time on set, then the office has to be open at 4 am just in case set needs something. If call is at midnight, then the office stays open until then, just in case set needs something.
My industry is very, very demanding. There is a lot that is asked of us. We work some of the longest days, we are asked to make miracles happen, which we actually make happen more times then is humanly possible. There is also a lot stress from impressing the “big wigs” or “important” people, to making certain deadlines even if we are given a day to meet them. If we don’t meet the deadline we may lose our job or the company will loose money.
I missed work on Friday because I am sick. I never missed work do to an illness, but I have the flu. My whole three day weekend, to many may be shot, but I am enjoying the staycation of resting and being.
Since I started mediating, it doesn’t take much for me to connect to The Universe/ Spirit/ God/ The Divine. I hear and see the divine everywhere. Being home sick provided a lot of space for me to think and have realization and for wisdom to emerge.
I have been sick a lot. For the past two years, my health has become front and center. In 2015, when I wrapped a feature, I became sick for a month. I could not keep my energy and I started to wonder if having limited energy would be my new norm. It terrified me. When I worked in Vegas in 2016, I worked over night which took a big toll on my body and I gained weight that I am still trying to loose.
When I started out in my industry, I was told not to question things. Many people are insecure and if you question them, then they will start to doubt themselves. That was my rule of thumb, never question, but I did question things, to myself, for my own understanding. Yet, I could not always grasp the logic of how the industry or many offices that I worked in ran. Now that I have moved up and matured, and know the answer I still question.
When I sought my work-life balance five years ago, I never imagined where that path would lead. Balancing my life in a demanding industry was quiet the feat, that any in my industry admire. My balance has been very fruitful and has brought so many new people and possibility into my life.
I am not the woman I was when I moved to LA, nor when I started on my wellness path.
I know myself now. I know what I stand for and I found my calling. My current industry was simply my dream. A dream I had to go toward to move out to LA to mature, become the woman I am, learn all the lessons I learned and expand / deepen and strengthen my spirituality.
The woman I am is no longer in alignment with my industry. I haven’t been for awhile. I patiently waited for a sign that came in October 2017. About a year before then, I told the universe that I am waiting on the “The Sign” to leave. In 2014, I took my leap of faith to leave the industry, but I was impatient and scared. And before that I started to question if I really wanted this industry. All my questions have been answered.
When my current show wraps, I will leave my industry, pick up my life and move on. I am going towards my calling which is a career that has meaning to me. I plan to focus my personal year on my vision, gain skills for my new career, walk with Spirit and focus on my health.
I made space and movement in my life, now I get the reward to walk through the door.
Love – Stephanie XO