One week ago I was in Los Angeles to celebrate my birthday.
I wanted to travel for my birthday last year, but work got in the way. The weeks that led up to my recent birthday, I realized I wanted to celebrate somewhere else.
Why go back to LA? I wanted to visit brother Teddy and celebrate with him. I wanted to see how the city felt now that I am removed from it. I also wanted to give Los Angeles a proper goodbye, which I didn’t get to do before I moved.
LA was a big move and life change for me in 2010. That move and my success was the fulfillment of my first big dream. The entire experience was filled with many firsts as well as many challenges and successes. I was in such awe of the city and excited that I worked in the industry. There was a lot of growth, some that was key, which led me to my voice, this blog and this new path.
It’s been a challenge to be back in my hometown. Everything is different (which I knew it would be) and I am very different. I’ve felt isolated and alone at times. I knew this journey would not be easy, but I didn’t think it would be the challenge it has been from the start.
To some degree that challenge has also been within me.
Los Angeles and my career were part of my identity and I didn’t know it. The industry was my dream since I was 15, it defined 12.5 years of my life and LA defined the past 7.5 years. When I moved to LA I never thought I would leave and if I left I thought I’d move to an entirely new city in California or a new state.
Leaving LA and my career was like a divorce with an abrupt and complete lifestyle change and identity shift.
For all the reason listed above, I have been resistant to my new home.
I had a lot of time to reflect since the move. I discovered I have been in a deeper search for peace. One that I could not find in Los Angeles, no matter how much I wanted it and how hard I tried.
Peace can not be found externally, you have to go within.
While I experienced moments of peace, in rest, meditation, yoga and on retreats, I was not able to maintain peace beyond those spaces. Work was demanding and stressful and sometimes it spilled into my evenings and weekends. On weekends, on top of my wellness activities and rest, I had personal tasks and chores to complete before the week began. When I was between movies, the fear of not knowing when my next project would come was on the back of my mind.
The industry was not the universes desire for me. It simply was there to help me find my true calling.
Since my visit, I feel expansive, at ease and at peace. I am fully ready to live here, meet new people and enjoy this time.
In this place, I get to discover even more about myself that I may not have known had I stayed in LA. I soaked in all that I could during my trip, in both appreciation and gratitude,m. I am proud I knew when to walk away and that I actually did it.
My heart is at peace.
This is the gift from the universe and my higher self gave to me for my birthday and it was so special. I started the first day of my new age with this new perspective. I am so grateful.
Love – Stephanie XO