Have you ever felt like you were going to die?

Or like you were dying?

I am not talking about putting yourself in harms way, having a terminal illness or hypochondria. I’m talking about death to your former self or the life that you know/ knew.

This may sound, way out of left field, in fact, I know it sounds way out of left field, but please bear with me.

Death to your ego or the person people have “allowed” you to be, or the letting go of the life that you know to pursue more, feels like death and dying. It’s almost like your oxygen supply has been cut off and you are gasping for the last bits of air. (As an asthmatic I can assert that I am describing this as accurately as I have experienced loss of air.) That lack of oxygen feeling terrifying both metaphorically and literally.

Unfortunately, or fortunately I have experienced this type of death not once, but twice.

My first experience of this feeling of death was early on when I was pursuing a work life balance. I had taken 6 months off of work so that I could be, rest, live and direct my life towards a new career. While I enjoyed that hiatus from work and made the most of it, as my time was coming to an end, I started to panic that I may never find work again and also feared and dreaded the thought that I may have to go back to the industry that brought me to so much needed rest. In the thick of that struggle or battle, I was trying to move forward toward new, but I was not as open as I thought I was at the time.

My struggle came from my resistance.

On Sunday I wrote about how I have been crying Soulfully everyday. I thought I might be depressed, but it didn’t feel like what I imagine depression feels like? When I sourced out my emotion I realized it was both joy and sadness that I felt and identified that it was towards shedding the remaining parts of who I have been “allowed” to be and my former life of unconsciousness and habits.

My tears from the first experience were informed by fear and resistance, while the tears in my second experience were informed by love and compassion. The song that emerged back then, is the same one that came to mind this time: “The Love Wouldn’t Die,” by Trevor Hall.

When I meditated on love last year, I started to see love everywhere. That love is what I felt, once I surrendered to my first metaphorical feeling of dying. It’s also the love that I felt this time, which brought me to deep tears.

The first time I experienced the love of Spirit/ Universe/ God. The second time I experienced my deep unconditional self love.

Today’s Tune is the song that has deep meaning for me because it brought me to understand a deep struggle. And now, has shown me that my well of love is strong. It has served and serves as a mantra, each time it comes to mind.

No matter where you are in life. There is love that surrounds you and can only see it and feel it when you are open and willing to experience it.

With Love – Stephanie XO

The Love Wouldn’t Die by Trevor Hall